Buried Alive

imagesCAZJOVCD

Today is a day just for me to own up to being horrible. In the past couple days I have been emotionally crappy, I’ve developed a severe cold AGAIN! and I’ve let everything be my excuse to make bad choices with my health.  For almost all of this past week I have been so hardcore with my food choices. I’ve eaten fruits, veggies, healthy proteins, healthy carbs and even have been picky enough to eat healthy fats! But the moment I started to get my cold and emotionally took a crash dive, I gave up on my plan. “I don’t wanna eat fish!” I whined at my husband.

Why is it so easy to sabotage ourselves when we feel bad.  You’d think that eating poorly would only ADD to the negative things going on in my life, which in the end it really does.  But it’s those chemicals in all those bad food choices that I’m soooo addicted to.  I like that temporary high.  That quick fix. That instant gratification. I truly believe the hardest mental thing in my entire life is staying on track with my health when I get sick or depressed.

I’m at a very numb place in my life right now. It feels most of the things that I had hoped for when I was 20 years old are just unattainable dreams now that I’ve passed 30. It’s so weird. As a teenager and young woman I knew exactly who and what I wanted to be.  I knew exactly what I would and wouldn’t put up with in my life. And I definitely knew the type of person I would NEVER allow myself to become.  The 20 year old me would have probably felt sorry for and tried to give a pep talk to the 31 year old me. How on earth did I allow myself to lower my standards and expectations in myself enough to become someone I never wanted to be?

I have a lot of friends that I miss when I don’t get to see them often.  I miss my sister when I go too long without hanging out with her.  I miss my parents a lot when we don’t have the opportunity for some quality time….. but more than anyone…. I miss the me I used to be, inside and out. It’s like she’s passed away. I have a best friend that died when I was 22 and everyday I have to make myself think about him, what he looked like, how he acted and think up our memories to make sure I never forget him. I think I have forgotten the me I used to be and desire to be today. She died years ago and I have forgotten her. She didn’t die, though.  I may have buried her alive but she has air getting to her so she can survive.  I just need to go find where I buried her, dig her up and be her again.  It would be so much easier to find her, though, if I could learn how to stop sabotaging myself….. Lord please break me and rebuild me new.